Archive for the ‘Memoir’ Category

Dear Friend From Home

December 15, 2010

hey hey man! thanks so much for emailing me. yeah college is pretty crazy. i said i didn’t want to do theatre in college and here i am only two days shy of opening week. i am in this production called gaeties and every year students wrtie script and song for a show before the big game between stanford and berkely about how berkely tries to destroy stanford but stanford wins at the end. i get to sing and dance and even though in this show i play “token” in one scene and only have a few other small parts, its a huge comedic farce anyway so i shouldn’t expect that much different. but there are so many opportunities here to act as a black actress. there are four colored ppl in my show, two black, and two mixed. the other black girl is starting a new student group that will perform black theatre shows but invite everyone to audition. we will just show preference to blacks. japanese class is awesome. ii desu yoo. anywho, i also have an intro to humanities, basically freshman comp. i tried to tell ms. windam that i shouldn’t waste my time or energy on an ap exam my senior yr cause i would have to take this class anyway and she basically threatened to tell mrs. mccabe and she is crazy. i am in a whole bunch of activities already besides gaeities:

Gaities – i will try to get a tape or get someone to film it that way i can bring a copy home

intervarsity – christian fellowship on campus

vinces – a subgroup of intervarsity

splash – stanford students teach area high school students whatever they want on a saturday in january, guess what i am teaching….DDR baby!! AND my class is gonna be all day too. you get either an hour or two or two sessions, but i want everyone to be able to play

Soul Sistah magazine model – someone at an intervarsity meeting told me they liked my style and asked if i would like to take pictures for the magazine its supposed to come out the first of december and you know i’ma get a grip of copies to take home

urban ministries volunteer – i went to a soup kitchen and helped set up and serve food one monday

snow trip planner – yes, my dorm is going on a ski trip in january so i will get to see snow!!!!! i am helping plan it

erica’s women’s piano and fleet street type thing – have you ever heard of tom lehrer? this junior decided to start a female acappella group because there are several on the campus and one all male called fleetstreet….hilarious guys man….so she wants to do a similar one with girls.

dr. dement’s outreach thing – dr. dement was the guy that discovered rem, rapid eye movement, back in the sixties. he had a class here at stanford called sleep and dreams and it have over a hundred students in it by the end of the quarter. they discontinued the class, so now he is going to give talks to the dorms and i am helping set that up.

women leaders of tomorrow honorary executive board member, in which you will recieve updates about our plans for events & projects, and you may offer your help at any time

research assistant – some psych experiements. this school is so big on research it isn’t funny. we have a particle acceleration lab that is like a mile long or something

aphrodishiaq – a dance group

stanford japan exchange club

Tracy’s Black ppl acting troupe – this is the black theatre group i was telling you about. tracy is also in gaeities


the rest of these are things i would like to do here at stanford but haven’t done yet

Stanford Gospel Choir

Stanford Praise Dance

Soul Sistah magazine writer

stanford japanese club

start a belly dancing group

now, we rehearse for gaeties from eight to eleven monday through thursday and have dance rehersal sunday one to five. this weekend, actors had to come to “load” which was basically helping rig flats and whatnot and setting up the set. we also helped build it. each actor had to have at least eight hours of build. there were saturday and sunday ten to six and ten to five earlier in the quarter. now, we have to help put all that stuff together. that is why i am not at church right now. i have to be there today from eleven to five. yesterday it was ten to seven. the last hour today and yesterday is for vocal rehersal. the show goes up this wednesday, thursday, and friday and we have to be there from six to midnight, and i think midnight is an estimate. on thursday is the cast party and on friday, when all the dorms will be there, we have to strike the set, all of it….everything….until roughly three in the morning, then everyone is supposed to go to denny’s. so that is what i am doing. making friends. only one random hookup at the beginning of the year and we didn’t even go all the way. i have honestly gotten real close to the Lord through intervarsity and am growing in my relationship with him and my christian community. i was in advanced honors calculus and i would have been able to do the class but it required a lot of work and i just couldn’t do that and gaeities so i had to withdraw from the class. i got a C+ on my first paper, and i recently got a 58 on my japanese exam so this next week during all the craziness, i have to write the rough draft for my next paper and get my grades back up for my japanese class. hopefully i can get at least a B in both classes but at this point i will have to work my pattoty off. i will not be coming back home this thanksgiving unless someone wants to pay for the five hundred dollar ticket, but if they do, they could just give that money to me. i WILL be coming home for christmas break on saturday, december the thirteenth, which i can say in japanese: junigatu jumikka doyoobi . i am also learning how to write in japanese but until then…so yeah. that is pretty much everything. i almost agreed to get married to stephen i don’t know if i told you about him, but we had been on and off for the past almost two years in january and at the beginning of the school yr before i left i told him if he wasn’t christian i couldn’t marry him and once i got here, everything and everyone were new and i missed the comfort and instant acceptance i got from him so i changed my mind. i went to a conference with intervarsity called how do you know God loves you? and after that conference, and praying and crying with so many ppl, i told him again that i couldn’t and this time i wouldnt’ go back on it cause i felt it was the Lord’s will. so three weeks go by and i am allowing myself to miss him and know what i need to do to get over him, surround myself with friends and pay attention to my work, but i didn’t so i ended up calling him and almost agreeing again, but this time i was like, if i marry you these things have to happen….basically all these strings because he wasn’t christian that he would have to deal with. i need a husband that will be able to support me physically, mentally, emotionally, but above all spiritually. the first three, stephen had down, but the last one now means so much more than the others. so last weekend HE was crying to me and i told him we shouldn’t commit to anything now and wait til i get back and let me talk to my pastor and what not. and he was like can i call you back in a week (sign of obsession, something i had just gotten over cause i would call him at least once a day and barely talked to my mom or anyone else from home) so he is supposed to call today. i will stick to my guns this time. cause now, after i told him this time, i wasn’t crying every night, i wasn’t missing him every moment and worrying about it. i actually let go and let God and it was great. i mean, you hear all these things but to finally start living them, it gets pretty amazing. so yeah, i was in this thing called okada fight club right, okada is the asian themed dorm, there is also casa zapata(hispanic), muwekma (native american), ujamaa (black folks), and i was wrestling against these two guys that were tag teaming me. i originally wanted to fight only one of them but he didn’t want to fight me alone so i found somene else. at the end of the fight, i tried to jump and bring one of them down, but ended landing alone. it really hurt, landed right on my butt and couldn’t walk the next day or ride my bike so that was a painful week. if you are ever on aim, my sn is shaquenisha, i can send you the files…or you can right click my sn and go to “get file” and you should see them there. they are numbered in the order in whick they should be watched. i also have a cell phone now. the number is a san antonio number too! 210-(blah blah blah blah blah blah blah). so call me anytime, there is a two hour difference, you guys are two hours ahead so when its six pm there, its four pm here. let me know how everyone else is doing and let them know i will be back and when i am bored i guess i can hang with yall on the weekday…go to school with my sister…visit some teachers. you know. so work calls, got to study my japanese and get some reading done before rehersal. tell my dad i said hey, i miss him and i love him lots. my mama too! i hope everything is going well in your end. congrats on the cross country and the tech stuff. man, if i were you, i would so try to get into stanford. the athletes here are junior olympiads and the rest are training to be in the olympics. not all, but there are some, so its not all hard core academics. its also got great technical theatre stuff, the stage actually isn’t as good as ours, but there are several places to perform so they have the hand up there. like i said, call, im, email, whatever. but thanks for emailing me. love you lots sweetie and God bless.

shamika walker ^_^

See Cause…

December 15, 2010

Well ladies and gentlemen, like so many other things in my life, i belive i have procrastinated long enough.  i am sitting watching the national geographic channel about deep sea discoveries and reading some random book.  i figured i should do something constructive.  i have decided to begin my account with the back ground to the weekend.  it all started in my English class…

Mrs. McCabe is, in two words, crack-head crazy.  She is my english IV ap teacher and the woman has some problems.  a cheerleader in high school, she constantly demands your undivided attention with incessant yelps of “Look at me, look at me,” and “are you listening?” combined with barking commands to write down nearly everything she is saying.  of course, the second your eyes drop to the page, the yelling begins again…anywho.  we are doing lit circles and i chose Candide by Voltaire, which i would recommend to all of you, its a funny little satire about the French from a french enlightenment writer.  every day for class, we have to bring a “Job Sheet” with at least 3 vocab words, 3 questions, 3 paragraphs to share with our group, and 3 connections with something we read, from the section we read the day before.  since i wasn’t gonna be there on thursday, i had to do my assignment before i left.  she doesn’t believe in missing school, especially for school events.  she has the notion for some obscene reason that we as students come back and treat the missed day as a “make-up day” and she doesn’t want us getting any unnecessary breaks.  so if we know we are not going to be in class, she wants us to do our work and turn it in the day before we leave…weirdo…so yeah, i had to do my second job sheet and turn it into her by wednesday.  my group ended up having different versions of the book, (if you get it, make sure you get the one with the pictures, they help), and we were supposed to take the number of pages in our book and divide them by five, but seeing as how no one had the same number of pages, i ended up reading the least amount for the first assignment.  to rememdy this, we all agreed to be up to chapter twelve by the next class, so i had to read nine chapters in two days, as opposed to the six that we decided would do for each class period…yeah yeah i know i am complaining but still…so i tried doing my assignment for that  day but i also had to write an essay that i would be missing from that class period.  during the day, i tried working on the assignment and my teacher didn’t give me the prompt until wednesday, even though i asked her for it on monday…what  was she thinking…most likely she wasn’t, but she expected me to write the essay during the day, grab a few minutes of free time-i can’t even type that without laughing. who here has free time during the day? with the procrastinated homework assignments taking up breakfast and lunch, and any spare moments in class are used to breathe, eat, drink, sleep, if you’re lucky, study and do even more hw. but i worked on it in physics II ap, that class is the equivalent of going to the ymca when its closed and sitting out in the front…there is an opportunity to learn there, but the teacher just doesn’t have any open hours.  basically he can’t teach.  so yeah, i finished the essay, but the assignment required a little more work, but i figured productions class, pretty much varsity theatre, would be the perfect time to do it.  no one wants to do the play we are doing, a woman called truth, because after nearly four years of being on the back burner and most often behind the stove as black theatre students while the beautiful white (or white looking) students got to get and stay in the spotlight up to the moment they left, our directors wanna try and atone for their closed mindedness and throw a play at the class at the end of the school year.  the main character requires a lot of memorization and my friend stacia constantly voices her doubt as to whether or not she will be able to do the play and the enthusiasm in the room can be measured in a petri dish…basically i would have enough time to work during that class.  but, when i get there, we have to actually go through scenes and stuff.  AND, while i am rushing to leave so i can explain to my teacher what happened, i am stopped and asked if i have given my nominations for the drama club banquet.  so i had to stay after for thirty minutes while the student teacher asked me who i wanted to nominate and voiced her opinion about who’s role was really minor instead of supporting and all kinds of time consuming annoyingly unnecessary stuff.  by the time i left and got to the red campus, there are two campuses and a performing arts center at my school because of the nearly five thousand kids that go there, my teacher had already left.  so i went to calculus tutoring and afterward my ma picked me up.  she said she would take my homework to school, but only after i asked if i could drop off my homework at a friend’s house to take to school, she isn’t a very trusting woman, so i started bustin out mad vocab and writing right up until my ride came.  i was three portions away from being done.  i had to take time out to try and iron some pants (which i didn’t even wear during the weekend) and get a few things together.  my friend, alicia dennis, and i were going to be traveling together so her dad picked me up to take me to the airport.  my mother had already left for her job at ups as a mail handler for the night, and i had kissed and hugged her before she left.  i gave a quick hug to my sister jasmine and my lil bro lil’ daddy (his real name is clinton) and left.  my other sister was out somewhere, but i told them to tell her i said bye.  shouting to my sister jasmine to leave my lil brother alone, i headed off to san antonio international airport headed into what turned out to be the weekend in which i discovered what bi-polar ppl go through.

that took a lot longer than i thought.  and that was just wednesday.  hopefully, i don’t forget all the crazy little instances that i experienced with ppl and things, mice and cats, guys with dreds and girls with not even half of that.  well, the next time i get the urge and some idle hours, i will put in the next installment in which i am introduced to how the airport system really is, not what i expected, and i meet my first eccentric woman.  yall come back now, and read, ya hear?

(hillbilly’s theme plays softly in the back ground until black out)

What Had Happened Was…

December 15, 2010

So, i was in charge of tickets you know, so i went through all kinds of jazz to get things together before we left and lo, the price was too much for mine and jonathan’s credit cards. so, it was decided as we were leaving that the house would pay for the trip and WHENEVER everybody paid their money for the trip, the house would be reimbursed. the snow was really exciting, but before i could get to it, i had to help with lift tickets and what not. ppl dropped out of the trip, which was no prob, but the ones that were there were anxious to leave and information and id cards needed to be collected, ppl wanted to add packages, and i even put my id card in for a good friend of mine. so, after jonathan, me, and a few others finally figured out the tickets, i follwed michael for about an hour until his lesson. i wasn’t skiing or snowboarding so i figured i would read some of the time and walk around the shops the whole day. michael and i made snow angels ^_^ and i took pictures. we watched the kinder kup with these little kids skiing and snowboarding, like four and five years old, just too cute, i wanted to have a child or a puppy or a plant or something to focus my swell of nurturing feelings. after michael left, i went to some benches outside this restaurant to read. the wind was blowing and it was kind of cold so i went into this rent shop near heavenly. at this point, it was almost noon so i ate my packed lunch which was such a suprise…pb and j and lucky charms and an oreo. thank you jerry and whoever else packed, it was pretty cool. so, i sat there eating, reading, listening to music, while across from me these three teenagers sat flipping through a magazine and waiting on some bus. they were white kids, which may or may not be relevant depending on what you think of the next incident. so they left after the bus got there and i finished eating and continued reading. then, this guy came up to me and asked if i needed some help. i told him i was waiting on the bus *which i was cause i wanted to go to the shops in gondola* and he was like, well there is a waiting room in the next building upstairs but i was not allowed to wait for the bus in there. so, i left and went to find a bus schedule so i could figure out where i needed to be. i went to “guest services” and asked the lady about shuttles and where they went…after explaining myself several times that i just wanted to know what places the buses went, she pointed to this map on the table. i asked her if they had bus schedules and she was like, no. so i studied the map and went outside. i was headed for the bathroom when one of the employees asked me how i was. he was young and slightly handsome, so i took the opportunity to talk to someone who wasn’t dispelling me and told him my dorm was skiing and i was trying to find something to do so i would take the bus but i didn’t have a schedule. well, it turned out the lady at the guest services place was poorly misinformed cause they DID have them and the guy employee gave me one. he told me how to get to gondola and wished me a better day. i got on the bus, went to gondola and walked around for maybe two hours. i bought stephen (my fiance) and i marriage beanie babies and went back to heavenly. i wanted to read more, since there was still nothing to do, so i went to this desk like cubicle to read, but it was near the door so it was cold there. i went inside the restaurant to read, but they looked busy and i didn’t want to take up space, so i went to the next room, a bar, and sat down to read. a server guy asked me if he could get me anything, and i said no thank you. no more than five minutes later a chick employee comes up to me and asks for id. she says she needs id for everyone in the place, and all i have is my stanford id card. she repeats that she needs id instead of telling me to leave, thus forcing me to make the connection and leaving her conscience unscathed. so, i pack my things once again to go back outside. while outside, i see the same inviting guy employee that gave me the bus schedule. he asked me how gondola was and i told him it was fine but i had gotten kicked out of another place and i was just going to go sit on the ground somewhere outside and read. i sat next to the first building i got kicked out of and read for a little while. there was a guy with a nestly cocoa pack giving out cocoa so i accepted some. in my attempts to blow the hot cocoa, it blew over my fingers and the wind wisked it across my pale green shirt. it wasnt’ a lot, and it wasn’t hot, but it was not cool either. so, i started gathering my things since it was fifteen til four, the time everyone was going to meet up to go back to the lodge, and i realized that my scarf, which i had to wrap around my waist when i was reading next to the door, had fallen off at some point. this scarf was the one i made from knit club, my first one, and it was the last thing i needed to happen to me, besides get robbed or kidnapped or raped or something, so anyway, i spent twenty minutes retracing my steps and right before i gave up, i found it in the restaurant. after praising God, i went to the okada spot and waited on everyone to come back. we got back to the lodge and i opted to sleep in order to avoid the line of hungry ppl. i woke up and went to get something to eat, planning to go right back to my room to eat when michael asked me to play monopoly. i agreed since i had not ever played before so me, natty, bucky, and michael played. it was the luckiest game i have ever played in my life. with only three pieces of property, and not even the best three pieces, i beat natty who owned at one point every other piece of property in the game. it was a great end to a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day *kudos to those who know where that comes from* so i went back to my room, read a little bit of ihum, slept, and the next morning i helped clean and we came back. thanks if you cared to read my account. it wasnt’ to have anyone feel sorry for me, i just wanted to share what happened to me.

p.p.s if you have yet to pay for the ski trip…i am now taking care of it, and i will not take no for an answer. be ready. cause i AM coming for you. every single one of you. no excuse will be a reason and no mercy will be shown.

My First Attempt at My Memoirs: 8th Grade

December 15, 2010

When first asked what I wanted to do, I was in the third grade.  By that time I had already gone through two ideas.  The first idea happened during the first grade.  At the time I was enrolled at Glen Oaks Elementary and everyone at the school it seemed to know me.  When I was in Kindergarden, I was the limbo queen and from that time on was asked to come back to my teacher’s class to show her new students what I could do.  It somehow got around that I could dance in the first grade and a third grade teacher invited me to her class to teach them what I knew.  I excelled in everything I was doing and got into a special program for other children like me.  Among all these other talents, my most honored was having the short stories I made in class during free time published for the school library.  They would be on a rake at the librarians desk and people could read them there in the library.  This was in the first grade.  I knew I wanted to be a writer.  The next year, our class put on the play Hansel and Gretel.  Though I tried out for Gretel, I got the part of the step mother.  After a few rehearsals I began to really have fun with what I was doing and I liked the laughs that I got from those who heard me perform my lines for them.  Soon I began to have lots of fun with the role and my death at the end of the play was the highlight of the play.  I loved the attention that I was getting so I decided to become an actress.  Unfortunately, during the Christmas break I moved away from that school into a house in Sunrise where I currently reside.  I first got into Candlewood elementary.  I was put into an anger management class which helped me get into the gifted and talented program at Elolf Elementary the following year.  In that fourth grade year, I adjusted to life and wanted once again to be an actress.  Like Candlewood, I, along with several other classmates, had to be transferred to another elementary school due to over crowdedness.  That year at Woodlake Elementary I began writing a short story in my journal spiral for my English class.  By the end of the year it formed into a book a little over 70 pages long so I stuck with the writing idea.  My first year at junior high changed my desire into someone who helped people with their problems.  Since I had a lot of friends all around, a lot of couples came to me for help.  That is where I wanted to be a relationship psychiatrist.  In the 8th grade, I had a lot of problems and did not feel like I could talk to anyone so I wanted to grow up to help other children and teenagers who felt like me so I changed my idea to a child and adolescent psychiatrist.  Just this summer, Mr. Gildermeiser told me that if I wanted to interact with my patients then I would have to be a psychologist.  So that is where I currently stand.

While researching, I found that not all psychologists strictly did research or counseling.  I now realize that there are many job opportunities ranging from many different places and that I would really have to get specific in order to know what I needed to go for in college.  One of the most interesting things I found about my field is that there are jobs in the government that are seriously competitive and that do not require more advanced training than other jobs require.

Here at PREP, we are provided with a guidance counselor.  Summer Hurst is a student in the master’s program for counseling psychology.  Her master’s degree will be a master’s of science.  Summer’s job responsibilities are to basically help the students participating in PREP help themselves.  She can ask guiding questions or try to help the student understand their thoughts.  Because she is a student she does not receive a salary but a counseling psychologist could make 17000 a year before they get their license.  In an institution, the salary goes up to 30 to 65000 a year for a licensed professional.  Those who chose to go into their own private practice usually charge around $125 an hour per patient.  In this profession, there is always room for promotion.

According to Summer, some advantages at working in an institution are benefits such as insurance and paid vacations.  Advantages in a private practice there are the control of your schedule.  However, in private practice there are no benefits to receive.  In both, there is a high stress rate and most importantly there may not be any way to help the patient you have.  The thing that Summer likes the most about her job is seeing someone completely recuperate and overcome their problem.  In contrast, she dislikes having to worry about patients who have not made any progress or did not connect before they left her.  She was inspired by friends who came to her in the 7th grade.  They went to her with their problems and she liked helping them.  One of her worst patients was a guy who had a problem with male chauvinism.  It was a co-therapy session and she was working with another guy.  The patient only talked to the male psychologist and he did not change through his whole ordeal.  Her best patient was the one who made the connection with her and changed the problem she had for the better.  Her advice to anyone who wants to enter the counseling psychology field is to be open.  They should increase their creativity and know themselves completely and know how to take care of themselves.  Finally, she says to decide whether you want to get a doctrine or a master’s to make choosing your college program easier.

Because there are so many types of psychologists, there is always some job waiting for anybody wanting to enter the field.  However, none of these jobs can be obtained simply by having the talent of listening.  To get into the field without a clear mind of specifically knowing what you want to do and how you want to help people will set you back significantly.  Let’s say you want to become a social worker.  Where do you start?  What do you have to do?  What kind of education do you have to have?  For an entry-level job, a bachelor’s degree is needed.  For clinical practices, a master’s degree is required.  The employment rate for a social worker is projected to grow much faster than average expected.  There is keen competition in cities because of the many great masses of people and the stress that it causes, but there are still good opportunities in rural areas because no where is stress free.

Statistics show that 50% of the current psychologist are self-employed.  That is 5 times the average amount for other professional workers.  In 1998, out of 166,000 jobs, 4 out of 10 were in educational institutes.  3 out of 10 were in some sort of health service, which were primarily hospitals, mental health clinics, rehabilitation centers, nursing homes, and health facilities.  17% of the jobs in 1998 were employed by the government in hospitals, clinics, and correctional facilities.  Statistics also show that employment in health care will grow fastest in out-patient mental health and substances abuse treatment clinics.

The education you receive can decide exactly where you will work.  With only a bachelor’s degree, there are a limited amount of jobs available.  A psychologist with a bachelor’s degree can assist psychologists and other professionals in community health centers, vocational rehabilitation offices, correctional programs, research or administrative assistants, and sales or management trainees in business.  They themselves can specialize as a counselor in counseling centers, independent or group practices, hospitals, or clinics.  A doctoral degree is needed for licensed clinical or counseling psychologists.  Those with doctoral degrees usually enter the private practice or set up their own private research after several years.  Persons with a master’s degree in psychology work as industrial-organizational psychologist, and psychological assistants under supervision of doctor-level psychologists.  They may also perform research or psychological evaluation.  If  a doctrine is desired, there are even more opportunities.  A Ph.D. (Philosophy Doctor) in psychology can provide clinical and counseling positions in universities, elementary schools, secondary schools, private industries, and in government facilities.  It also gives the option of teaching or carrying out research.  A Psy.D. (Doctor of Psychology) in psychology can allow you to work in clinical positions.  Lastly, a school psychologist must have an Ed.S (Educational Specialist) in psychology.  Without additional academic training opportunities are severely limited.  Summer’s advice of knowing what you want to do is really helpful.  At least then, you know what you have to do in order to reach the job you want.

Now that it is clear what degrees and doctrines provide what opportunities, you must know what each one requires you to have.  Some universities require their undergraduates to major in psychology.  Other universities require their undergraduates to have course work in basic psychology with courses in biological, physical and social sciences, statistics, and mathematics.  For a master’s degree in  psychology, you must have had at least 2 years of full-time graduate study.  Practical experience in an applied setting and a master’s thesis based on an original research project are also needed.  A doctoral degree prerequisites that you have 5 to 7 years of graduate study.  To get a Ph.D., you must write a dissertation based on your own original research.  In order to write a dissertation, you must have a course in quantitative research methods (including the use of computer-based analysis) and part of graduate study.  Although a Ph.D. is mostly based on the dissertation, a Psy.D. may be based more on practical work and examinations.  Finally, when you have your doctoral or degree, you must try to match what you have to what a specific job needs you to offer.  A federal government job for a psychologist states that the applicant must have 24 semester hours in psychology and one course in statistics for entry-level position.  Because you do not have to have an advanced degree in order to get one of these jobs, there is very high competition.  A clinical psychologist needs to acquire a Ph.D. or a Psy.D. and have served an internship.  Vocational and guidance counselors need 2 years of graduate study in counseling and 1 year of counseling experience.  School psychologists occupy a master’s degree in psychology and 1 year of  counseling.  There are programs and societies such as the American Psychological Association (APA) that accredit doctoral training programs in clinical, counseling, and school psychology.  The APA also provides accreditation to institutions that provide internships for doctoral students in school, clinical, and counseling psychology.  The National Council for Accreditation of Teacher Education with the assistance from the National Association of School Psychologists provides accreditation for the advancement degree programs in school psychology.

Now I have a more broadened and specific idea of what psychology is and what it requires.  My original plans of being a relationship psychiatrist have now been positively altered to a child and adolescent psychologist.  Although I have realized my long-term goal will take a long time to achieve, I have not given up completely on it.  The mind itself has always fascinated me.  I like to try to get into people’s mind and find out why they think what they think and how that affects them socially.  Children and adolescents have not gone through the stresses of being an adult so when they have problems it is for different reasons and rooted from different places.  It is easier to say that an adult had depression because of their job and their family, but when you come across a teenager or child, it is a lot harder to pin point the root of the problem and I find that interesting.  The only aversion of trying to mentally help a teenager or adolescent is not being able to help them.  If there is no way to help them, then all you can do is sit back and watch their problem eat away at them.  The same would go to any good doctor.  I think the biggest challenge also to any doctor is having to help someone who does not want to be helped.  As a psychologist, you cannot force anything on a patient and if you do not find a way to connect with them, then you cannot help them to your fullest ability.  If they do not offer information or lead you anywhere near a problem, then you are stuck.  I would want to be able to help every person I come across but if I know that I only helped one out of the tens that I saw, then I will be satisfied.

Besides the things that were needed for this Career Exploration Paper, I learned that there are so many different kinds of professions and each profession has so many different kinds of opportunities in it.  Basically there is no excuse for not going after exactly what you want to do in your life.  I also learned that you could make the journey to your goals so much more smoothly if you know yourself and who you are.  If you want to help people, you must first know how to help yourself and continue to help yourself.  With this paper, I learned that even thought this career may not come easy, there is always someone like APA who is willing to help me to succeed.  The reason I wanted to be a relationship psychiatrist was all wrong.  I knew that I would have to  get a Ph.D. and then I could make more money.  Now, thanks to this paper, I realize that if I get my Ph.D. and become a psychiatrist and make money, then I will be doing something I didn’t originally want to do.  Every day  I would be doing something I didn’t like which would affect my performance to my patients.  In the end, I will be doing the opposite of what I originally wanted.  Even though as a psychologist I will not be making the same amount of money as I would have been, I will be interacting with my patients and helping them by talking and not by prescribing medicine.  At least as a psychologist  I will be going to work everyday loving what I do and doing what I love.

My First Fake Pair

April 6, 2010

All little girls pretend one of two things, if not both, during their countless hours of play:

they have hair like rapunzel


they have boobs at all

The hair is easy. Most homes have towels that, when wrapped just right, can provide a girl with locks just as good as any weave.

The boobs however are a little more difficult. You have to find two balls the same size that are small enough to fit into whatever outfit your mom picked out for the day. Tricky. I only had one attempt and it seemed to work beautifully. I used a Barbie beach ball on one side, and on the other…I don’t even remember now. But it was close enough in size not to fall out when I put both up my shirt.

I walked carefully, chest out, to the big dresser in my mom’s room where I could look into her large mirror and see how beautiful I looked. Just as I made my second shoulder swivel, my mother came into her room. Siblings in tow, everyone witnessed my obvious game. My mother, though smiling and surely suppressing some serious laughter, asked me the question that usually accompanies punishment. “Shamika, what are you doing?”

Head bowed, I did not answer. I quickly let the treacherous balls fall out of my top and hung my head in burning embarrassment. My mother then asked, “What are these? What were you doing with them?” I suppose in an attempt to figure out where my head was and how much I knew about the female, and perhaps the male, body. However, at this point, deep shame flooded my mind and I could say nothing, even if I wanted to answer.

I never played that game again. Like most black women, I stuck to playing with my hair.

The Wedding Picture That Sits At My Night Stand

December 30, 2009

I look at the wedding pictures my mother gave me-not quite “my” pictures.  My eyes scream “Yes!  I did it” and my smile spreads wide over my joy at the accomplishment seemingly of a lifetime.  Stephen has both his hands clasped around mine holding on for his life.  While I grin as if a wonderful joke has been delivered, he smiles politely to the crowd, playing his part-the husband of Shamika Goddard.

Our matrimonial garbs are like costumes: Chinese black suit with white cuffs for him and a white floral Chinese dress for me.  It is as if we are playing wedding, and putting it on for our friends and family.  Just kids.  I am not even wearing my real hair, I had braids put in.  Might as well have a wig on that states, “I’m not a little girl everyone, I’m a woman now.”

I lean toward the congregation of family and friends, away from the altar, eager to join them as a blushing bride-a wife.  Stephen stands firmly on the steps, lingering on the cusp of his new life, his old one now fading away into nothing.  Despite the lights and white flowers, the garland and the people, he stands as if alone.

Of all the things I will remember that day, I cannot seem to remember his face as I walked down the aisle.  I can recall, and tick off one by one, everything that went wrong, didn’t go as planned, or person who messed up.  But, as far as he and I were concerned, I remember our dance-how he held me close and we swayed as if there were no one else in the room (and my siblings and family weren’t chortling).  The rest of our nite from the honeymoon on, didn’t go so smoothly.  But that dance stands out.  Every headache about the wedding melted away as we moved together pondering our life together.  He may not have cheesed in the pictures or hugged me for all to see after the ceremony, but in that dance he let me and the world know that he was mine, and I his, forever.

One Day

December 29, 2009

one day all my belongings in the world will be in one place

one day i will wake up and go to bed in a bed i bought every night

one day my job will be a career or profession that has a salary and benefits

one day each of my knickers will have a matching b-strap

one day all of my clothes, even my at home clothes, will be comfortable and accentuate my features instead of highlight my flaws

one day i will be cooking and eating healthy meals daily (because of course, i will be able to afford to)

one day the man i love will be someone who loves me and lives with me

one day i will incorporate girly things into my regular schedule like pedicures and trips to a spa every few months or so

one day i will have the title of “Dr.”

one day i will own my own car

one day i will go to dinner in a beautiful dress with fabulous shoes and flawless makeup and jewelry with the man who loves me and lives with me and turn heads

one day i will help create and nurture life with the man who loves me and lives with me

one day my hair will be all the way down my back

one day i will hang out with my sisters and brother and mom and neice and nephew and mike … at a disney land resort

one day the people i know and love will actually be sent christmas cards, handwritten naturally, from me and my family

one day i will be asked to dance

one day i will travel to an exotic location with a very good friend

one day i will publish a book

one day i will stand in front of hundreds and speak, and they will all have wanted to be there just to hear it

one day i will die and people i knew will go to celebrate my home coming and on that day i hope that of all the things i had hoped i would have accomplished by the time i left the earth i would have at least been able to love and be loved

The Inevitable List

December 29, 2009

Though I should be sleeping, I am restless. I feel as though I quit smoking and am in desperate need of a drag. New Year’s Resolutions made me feel like such a quitter in the past. Now, I don’t bother with them. Every day is a New Day, so instead I celebrate in them and do my best with the time that I am given.

After looking back over the pain that was 2006, memories greet me which I had forgotten were there. I am reminded of the hardships, the heartbreaks, the unfairness, the sadness, the anger, the grief, and the loneliness. While I can count my blessings in health both in myself and my family, that is the only good thing about the year, that I and those I care about, survived.

You know, people go through a lot of horrible things in life, disease, death, poverty, oppression, torture, famine, and the list goes on. Just to put my problems in perspective, I am on the other side of a tumlutuous twelve months believing that I am a victor and not a victim.

To avoid reliving the year, I could provide highlights instead, but even that would be painful. The highlights of the year could be summed up in three seperate yet interconnecting situations:

Marital stress btw myself and Stephen and his friends (yes they were a factor…NOT a cause but certainly involved)

Financial stress with the summer’s purchases and credit use

Academically having to put my senior year on hold

The fact that I am not looking at two more quarters before graduation, that I won’t be walking the stage with the people I have walked this path with up to this point. The realization that I will have to return to California and do one full year possibly alone.

After having spent most of my life with most of my life ” in order” and “on track” and “in the zone” the entire year has been a complete deviation from that. The friends I have who I have seen more than once since I left campus: TWO. I can only hope that by the end of the year my finances will be where I want them.

I am working a job, building a business, and applying for another job and soon will be certified in tax preparation. There is a lot on my plate and thanks to 2006 I am a different person. I was a worker bee, a people pleaser, a “do whatever it takes” “put my best foot forward” kind of gal. Now….

Wow, I haven’t listened to music in a while. Its been ages. I almost get a kick out of having launch on in the background and hearing the music that’s out and about at the moment. I started with Death Cab but now its on some other band. Anyway, I would like to return to high school, or perhaps the summer before my freshman year in college. Its no use thinking of the past in a way that makes you resent being in the present, but its kind of hard.

I need a puppy or something. Since I can’t have a kid, and my poor plant Antionette may or may not be living in my apartment on campus, and the sad alpha fish Beni was taken from me by neglectful siblings, I’ve got nowhere to pour my extra love and devotion. I used to “stalk” guys in high school, watch them in between classes, if I shared a class with them then during class I’d watch, then at home I would think about them. The point is, I could focus on my classes or homework then switch to my crushes and have hours of time in my head. Now, there isn’t much up there besides my husband, my business, and my problems.

I tried picking up one person hobbies, learning a new language, repicking up knitting, reading new kinds of books, and now I am just rambling.

I forgot how great it was to just listen to music. Now, I try to only listen to postive encouraging tapes, cds, and broadcasts. Not that that stuff isn’t cool or anything, but this music is like a soothing balm to my mind.

It would be cool to have a secret second life. Like being a superhero at night, flying the skies of San Antonio and the surrounding area keeping the streets safe and the kids in line. I would totally have a cape and special boots that I could wear all night and not get sore feet from. My costume would be pants and a top with a utility belt and perhaps a rope or whip of some kind.

I could be the black cat. Wait, Halle Berry already did the whole black chic in a cat suit and ruined it for the rest of us. Alright so scratch the cat idea.

I couldn’t do an afro seventies thing because I do not need to further aid blaxploitation anymore than it already is. So the fish tank heels and dashiki are out.

I should sleep, I am sleepy but not tired. I have a headache. These typed words are the only ones around to hear me. How sad. 😦 I feel bad when Stephen feels bad about hanging out with his friends. I am glad he has people to spend his time with besides me. I don’t expect us to spend all of our time together. I should definitely find another hobby. A baby is not something used to fill a void or something to do cause everyone else is doing. So that’s out.

I thought about doing favors for money. Having guys take me around on their arm and pay me for my time. I am told that’s illegal, being an escort, but all that other stuff wouldn’t be on my list of services.

Now my headaches just talking.

I can remember a time when music would take me places. I would hear the first few cords or mouth the first few words and be spirited away to another world. Another life. I always envisioned a very simple life for myself. I’m talking cottage in the hills of sweden on a farm blind and deaf with a braille bible. Well, at times anyway. For the most part, I wanted to work at a job, have a home, a working car, a library card, and a guy. I wouldn’t mind a small house, as long as I paid it off quickly. I wouldn’t mind an older car as long as it was safe and reliable. I wouldn’t mind a monotonous job, as long as I had enough to pay bills and have like twenty or so left over. I did not want a lot of complication. Who does? Few people like operating in a crazy hectic schedule. Even though I operated best when my plate was full, I did so with the understanding that one day I would have nothing but my task at work to focus on.

I also used to use books to escape, to live out another life, someone else’s rises and falls. Not too many of those lying around these days.

Crazy, I Was Crazy Once…

December 29, 2009

It has been such a long time since I’ve written anything. Or perhaps I should use the proper vernacular-long time since I have blogged anything. Reading back over those last entries took me right back to those moments, those feelings, and those thoughts. I fancied myself a good writer, interesting, and well versed. Now there have been so many changes in my life, I wonder if I have the strength, courage, and patience to tell it all.

How do you describe going crazy? It’s like a panic attack, anxiety attack, loosing your very grip on reality for one provided by your mind. My mind, filled with vengeance for not being allowed to rest, concocted a series of false truths from which I drew my incorrigible conclusions about the world around me. To say simply that I was not sleeping enough does not quite describe the ongoing rat race I ran for nearly 20 hours at a time interrupted with 3-6 hours a night of dead sleep. The kind of sleep where you are asleep before your head hits the pillow. Your body turns and does not bother with comfort as your mind speeds past REM toward rest before the carefully selected ring tone chimes the end of another chance.

At the time building up to my stay in the mental ward of a hospital, I was working 40 hours a week full-time 8 to 5, working my business at least 6 hours, looking for time to spend with my family, and making time for my husband. If I lay down to rest and I did not fall asleep immediately, I quickly deduced that I was not tired and thus needed to do something constructive like finish unpacking the apartment. There were some days during the month and a half I lived this way that I went to work with one hour of sleep.

The job I worked was perfect for me. I did the same exact monotonous tasks everyday including a “field trip” to the bank and post office. I liked having a desk with computer, a break room, my boss being right there in the cubicle next to me. The credit department at least was in a room at the end of the building. I was always polite and up beat with everyone there but I believe I was not fully accepted. Maybe because I was so young and hopeful, cheery, or perhaps it was because I tried to gain new customers from the pool of co-workers. Either way, I just knew, behind the “smiles” and quaint “hello”s and “goodbye”s there was not an open armed acceptance of me.

At any rate, the week before my episode I was working my business and working my job with even less sleep. The stresses of my life at the time also included trying to purchase a plane ticket online and only having the use of one vehicle while my husband worked nights and I worked days. That Saturday was a big day for my business, luncheon and meeting, and that Sunday I was visiting a different church with a good friend. So on Friday 13th of April I left work with high hopes for the weekend and never knowing that my life balance would never be the same again.

to be continued….

What Color Is My Parachute? ROYGBIV!

December 29, 2009

when i was younger, my mother had a typewriter, it was black with gray keys and very nice. i liked the feeling of the keys pressing up against my fingers as i punched my words into the machine. then we got a computer. that i loved even more, not so much because it did more, but because the keys there clicked and clacked beneath my fingers. the sound made me feel more productive and as if i had typed a lot. i wrote a lot of stories and journal entries on that old computer.

this laptop is not the quietest computer i have ever worked on, but it doesn’t clack. i actually don’t like the silent ones, keys that are soft and cushion the sound of your tapping thoughts. i need to hear my progress, to confirm it auditorily. as a youth, i fancied myself a writer. i looked up to ann m. martin and r. l. stine and read tons of books…and not just for the book it pizzas and stickers. somewhere i still have all the stories i wrote as a child and teenager. i have always said that i would write a story of my life. i have started several times, each time painstakingly starting from the beginning as not to leave anything out. i have always been a very thorough person and i believed my life was lived in detail so it should be told that way.

recently i have written only the beginning of one short story worthy of only literotica’s lot. my zeal and passion for words remains and i wonder perhaps if i avoided the one major at Stanford i should have embraced. all signs have pointed to English as a major for me. my highest grades were either in math or english but i preferred english. i enjoyed the reading assignments, but i more so enjoyed the writing assignments as they gave me a chance to express myself through the perspective of a book. in acadec at judson i wrote an essay for a speech that i have looked back on fondly for years. my college essays were used to inspire several other students, not for plagiarism but for inspiration. while i was at stanford, i took an english class on w.e.b. dubois and got a great grade. i really liked the professor and she always gave me good comments on my work. she even said once that she wished someone from the english department could have swooped me up. at this point, however, i would need at least another year to complete an english major there. and more to the point, i don’t know what i would do with the major.

as it stands, i am an african and african american major. i chose it because i stepped out of economics at the beginning of my junior year and needed something i could finish in the time i had left. luckily, the major consists of courses from various departments such as psychology, sociology, education, philosophy, and so forth. unfortunately, everyone always asks if i am going into teaching or education with the major. frankly, i have no idea what i am going to do once i graduate from stanford. i have mentally tried on all kinds of professions and even have dreamed of a few. the list so far is:


i figure i can be welcomed with open arms to stanford or any school really because i am a black female, not the sole reason but it will help, to teach ….well that would end up being a whole new list. perhaps i could be like a college advisor…..well that’s another profession. already this list is getting longer and i haven’t even really started yet.


several different ppl have told me over the years that i would make a great teacher and that i work well with kids and i have great energy and patience and presence. i always figured that the red tape and frustrations of school politics would be too much for me like most of my favorite teachers.


ever since junior high, i have told ppl that i was going to study psychology and become a child and adolescent psychiatrist…i also thought of doing relationship counseling. i heard once that the profession has the highest suicide rate, i also heard the same about another profession on this list. i bet you can’t guess which one, i think you’ll be surprised.

massage therapist

in productions and during various rehearsals people would frequently give out back massages and kneck rubs. we were all stressed and tense and hey, it was high school so any excuse to feel up on somebody was gold. i was told that i was really good and have continued to get praise from my husband. at one point, my life plan included going to a massage school before college so that i could be licensed and use that as my part time job to pay my way through school. of course, the training costs money and at the time i didn’t even know they had schools for massage here in san antonio. the only one i knew about was in austin. currently i am still thinking about being like a freelance masseuse and going to various offices and buildings and setting up regular appointments with ppl so that they don’t have to leave their office or waste their gas to get to me. i like the idea, it seems easy and enjoyable. i could also sign up to work at a hotel and eventually find myself at a really fancy or exotic one, or even work on a cruise ship! ever since i saw last holiday with queen latifah i thought about working at a ritzy hotel or at a vacation spot and getting the best of both worlds.

school counselor

i get to help kids, i get to work with universities and trade schools and different careers to guide the students. but like being a teacher there is a lot of red tape, paper work, and craziness. but also like a teacher i would have the summers off. eh…

admissions counselor/recruiter

this is one of the professions i had a dream about. i would travel the country, maybe even the world, talking up stanford to tomorrow’s best and brightest. i would answer questions, have a slide show, movie, who knows! i do know that i want to have some kind of san antonio stanford alumni association so that we can network with past, current, and future cardinals. i feel so left out here in san antonio and i don’t feel as though there are any welcoming alumni in town i can network with. you know, go out to lunch, see a movie, talk about profs, dorms, and such.

food critic

i can be a picky eater….actually a particular eater is more accurate. i know how things should generally taste, look, and smell and when i come across something that could be better technically or otherwise i rarely keep quite about it. i am always raving about one product or another for example trident gum. its good for your teeth, sugarless, and has great flavors! i say that to everyone when i am chewing it or happen upon the opportunity in conversation. why not get paid to share my opinion. the only thing is i don’t know if i have to be a former chef or if there is some kind of schooling or something. i am sure there is some training. it does combine writing, eating, and going out so i think that its at the top of the list in terms of popularity.

health inspector

i remember from the movie “deliver us from eva” that the main character seemed like i would have been in life had i continued through college and not been sidetracked with life and marriage. i can be very anal and her job seemed like something i would be good at. i figured i would get to know my city’s dining establishments better and know where to go and where not to go. i am not sure exactly what the credentials or training entail but its on the list nonetheless.

mystery shopper

there are so many scam websites out there about all kinds of things. i heard about mystery shopping, read some article on several websites thats supposed to be from like the new york times or some other reputable newspaper, and have considered the obvious perks of being paid to pursue goods and services. i feel as though i am a good judge of character and have a great eye for details, so this would combine some aspects of health inspector, food critic, massage therapist (traveling and exotic accommodations). the only problem is to get into this profession you have to pay for the different “jobs” or “opportunities”. i am not sure what they are referred to.

financial adviser/financial planner/credit counselor/tax professional/financial literacy advocate

i took a class taught by mary morrison, a financial aid officer at stanford, my freshman year and ever since decided that i wanted to be in control of my money and wanted to help other ppl do the same. i wanted to be educated about budgeting, investments, insurance, estate planning, spending, all of that. since stanford didn’t have an accounting major, i looked at management science and engineering, economics, and some special kind of math major. econ seemed like it had courses closer to what i wanted to do so for a few quarters i pursued it. i thought about becoming tax certified at a local college in palo alto before i graduated so that i could start making money and doing ppl’s taxes. since then, because i have a shroud of doubt hovering over my life i am not sure anymore if i have a passion for wanting to be a ameriprise financial advisor or an h&r block tax person. i did consider being a mary kay financial planner and working specifically with mary kay beauty consultants with budgeting and taxes. of course, it would help if my business was running smoothly but that’s a whole nother blog.

children’s party entertainer

in the twelfth grade and last nov- this feb i worked as a party hero at mr. gatti’s. i always got good surveys, the kids loved me, and i loved being a goof ball. i even used my party skills at two baby showers, both my sisters’, and my friends’ birthday party when she came to use my pool as the location. i mostly used the gift opening bits like pulling out the tissue and tossing it comically in the air with a careless and flippant grace. i would also read all the cards aloud and make various comments about each gift and made sure to say thank you as well as give the birthday person the opportunity to do so. i also basically ran time management on the parties so that they moved forward smoothly so directing everyone to or from the food at the appropriate time, explaining and playing the fun games, and so forth. some ppl specifically asked for me and even asked if i did parties outside of gatti’s. i am sure that i could make an interesting go of it if i would have lots of fun and none of the bad parts of working at gatti’s like closing the rooms. i would have to bus the tables, wipe down the tables and chairs, stack the chairs onto the tables, sweep, mop, squeegie, and then finally hot mop the floors before i could leave. but i was able to keep any cakes that weren’t claimed at the end of the night and grab a few slices of pizza and some watermelons or mac and cheese during my shift. that was great. and of course all the beverages i could drink!

fitness trainer

who doesn’t want to be in the best physical shape their body can be in? i am tired of looking at the result of medications, no exercise, and not enough food to have a nutritious diet. i think that once i get healthy i would love to help others and by helping others it will help keep me healthy. plus i hear they pay great.

story teller

in elementary school we had a story telling club and i was asked to several classes to perform my story, “the old woman and her pig” by rita litzinger. of course, i had already been into acting and reading so the two were a a great backdrop to this. during the beginning of the first year of my sabbatical i looked for a story telling organization here in san antonio. i guess i signed up to receive emails from one group because i do now every once in a while. i thought about putting together a group and traveling to schools all over performing variant stories.

personal assistant

well after watching the secretary what more is there to say.

just kidding. i would like to be like rory on the fifth or sixth season when she got the internship with michum huntzberger at a newspaper. working in an office, answering phones, making travel arrangements, getting lunch, coordinating meetings, stocking supplies, remembering important events and days and gift buying. i wouldn’t want a “devil wears prada” experience or anything but it does seem to have a nice ring to it.

professional organizer

after watching so many episodes of clean sweep, clean house, how clean is your house, and neat, i thought for a brief while that i would want to go into some person’s space and help them move out the clutter and find a new cleaner way to live or work. i once cleaned and organized a slovenly living room for my cousin’s mother when i was about nine. she was amazed to see the carpet hadn’t changed since she had first moved in. after a whole afternoon’s work of folding clothes, matching shoes, and cleaning the carpet and table, she reached into her purse and gave me a quarter. so i knew if i ever did it again, it would not be for the money. i just liked being able to give the space a new lease on existence. i know a few ppl in my family who live in absolute clutter and i can’t see how they do it. my apt isn’t always magazine ready but i don’t have a thick layer of dust on hundreds of obscure knick knacks and doodads or an entire room that no one goes into because its overflowing with broken furniture, old clothes, and God knows what else.


as i mentioned before, i have been writing since i first learned how. i wrote stories for elementary classes, stories for fun, stories for flirting, and stories to sort out my life. i don’t see myself making money from a book, i actually don’t even see myself writing an entire book. i haven’t considered being a journalist and writing articles about rando things. i suppose nowadays there are ppl who are paid for their blogs but certainly nothing is going on in my life enough to warrant a paycheck.

dental hygienist/dentist

for about 6 months during and after my freshman year i had decided to major in human biology, or humbio, and become a dentist. i figured i could make my own hours, be my own boss, help kids learn about taking care of their teeth, and make good money. i really liked going to the dentist as a kid. i liked getting my teeth picked at, it felt good to me. not that i am a sadist and like pain…well to address that accurately would warrant another blog….anyway, i liked the new toothbrush and picking a toy out of the wicker stained chest and the wacky pencils and stickers. i liked the goo i had to sink my teeth into and wait while the suction tube sat in my mouth. i even liked the toys in the waiting room, as simple as they were. being a pediatric dentist seemed like it would be a great job. but, as i started to tell ppl this, they would say that i didn’t seem like the dentist type and that i wouldn’t want to do something like dentistry. i had already chosen the dental school at the uthsc here in san antonio and planned out the tests, funds, and courses. but, after a woman i had just met told me with great seriousness that the believed i was destined for better things i decided to drop the idea. i go back to it sometimes. it was such a neat and tidy path in life. i have always sought the straight and narrow, day to day hum drum. it would have afforded me everything i wanted, an okay house, an okay car, all my bills taken care of, flexible hours, vacations….if there was a way for me to go back to stanford and spend the …i am sure three years it would take for me to cram all the required courses into i would do it and return to my dental path. the dental hygienist job was thrown in because i believe that’s the person that does the cleaning and maybe the x-rays. i wouldn’t have to do any root canals or capping or anything, maybe just assist. cosmetic surgery wouldn’t be for me. i would rather be on the preventative end. i also met a woman at stanford’s multicultural alumni weekend when i was volunteering. she was a black dentist and gave me her card. i even started a stanford pre-dental society on campus but i am not sure what happened to it after i stepped out.


i wanted to take ballet classes or gymnastics or piano when i was younger but i felt we didn’t as a family have the money to afford such activities so i used public education and all it could offer me to replace those desires. i believe that if i had chosen ballet or gymnastics i would be happier with my body, i would be able to perform like the women on the hanes commercial and that i would be a completely different person. there have been so many movies about ballet and hip hop and ball room dancing and even one recently about gymnastics. step up, shall we dance, stick it, you’ve got served, take the lead, honey, save the last dance, and so on. similar to the fitness trainer idea, i would be in shape and feel my age and feel like the old self i used to be, fun outgoing energetic smiling loving carefree strong independent beautiful force.

so after that little exercise the jobs that truly stuck out to me are as follows with the most popular to me at the top:

food critic/health inspector
massage therapist
children’s party entertainer
fitness trainer

chances are, the food critic/health inspector position looks the most likely.

now that I have moved in leaps and bounds, its time to do a little squatting. you see, stephen tells me that i tend to “crap on his dreams” all the time by pointing out how something he wants to do won’t work or how its illogical or poking holes in his ideas or plans.

after perusing superficially for a few moments i can already tell that my first choice might as well be taken off the list. according to eHow website, which provides an article on how to be a food critic:

Realize that being a food critic is usually not a well-paid position, and there are only 30 to 40 such positions in the country.
The idea of being a food critic is much more appealing than actually being one. It’s physically taxing to eat rich food or bad food every day of the week, but it’s required if you’re a professional.
It’s unpleasant to bash restaurants, and it’s even more unpleasant to regularly eat in restaurants that merit bashing.

then, thanks to the dept of labor website, i now know that:

Occupational health and safety specialists and technicians, also known as safety and health practitioners or occupational health and safety inspectors, help prevent harm to workers, property, the environment, and the general public. They promote occupational health and safety within organizations in many ways, such as by advising management on how to increase worker productivity through raising morale and reducing absenteeism, turnover, and equipment downtime while securing savings on insurance premiums, workers’ compensation benefits, and litigation expenses.

neither sounds like what i really want to do after all. i don’t know if i should have let all those ppl deter me from wanting to be a dentist. i am also considering going to grad school and studying psychology. i also very briefly and in a fit of passion contemplated being a sexologist and helping individuals and couples like the dr on discovery health channel. all the ppl i have found who do that have phDs.

i don’t know. the colors of my parachute have swirled together to form a brown worthy of pampers. i have poked so many holes that i fear my fall will not be pleasant when it ends.

maybe i should reconsider being an escort.