The Inevitable List

Though I should be sleeping, I am restless. I feel as though I quit smoking and am in desperate need of a drag. New Year’s Resolutions made me feel like such a quitter in the past. Now, I don’t bother with them. Every day is a New Day, so instead I celebrate in them and do my best with the time that I am given.

After looking back over the pain that was 2006, memories greet me which I had forgotten were there. I am reminded of the hardships, the heartbreaks, the unfairness, the sadness, the anger, the grief, and the loneliness. While I can count my blessings in health both in myself and my family, that is the only good thing about the year, that I and those I care about, survived.

You know, people go through a lot of horrible things in life, disease, death, poverty, oppression, torture, famine, and the list goes on. Just to put my problems in perspective, I am on the other side of a tumlutuous twelve months believing that I am a victor and not a victim.

To avoid reliving the year, I could provide highlights instead, but even that would be painful. The highlights of the year could be summed up in three seperate yet interconnecting situations:

Marital stress btw myself and Stephen and his friends (yes they were a factor…NOT a cause but certainly involved)

Financial stress with the summer’s purchases and credit use

Academically having to put my senior year on hold

The fact that I am not looking at two more quarters before graduation, that I won’t be walking the stage with the people I have walked this path with up to this point. The realization that I will have to return to California and do one full year possibly alone.

After having spent most of my life with most of my life ” in order” and “on track” and “in the zone” the entire year has been a complete deviation from that. The friends I have who I have seen more than once since I left campus: TWO. I can only hope that by the end of the year my finances will be where I want them.

I am working a job, building a business, and applying for another job and soon will be certified in tax preparation. There is a lot on my plate and thanks to 2006 I am a different person. I was a worker bee, a people pleaser, a “do whatever it takes” “put my best foot forward” kind of gal. Now….

Wow, I haven’t listened to music in a while. Its been ages. I almost get a kick out of having launch on in the background and hearing the music that’s out and about at the moment. I started with Death Cab but now its on some other band. Anyway, I would like to return to high school, or perhaps the summer before my freshman year in college. Its no use thinking of the past in a way that makes you resent being in the present, but its kind of hard.

I need a puppy or something. Since I can’t have a kid, and my poor plant Antionette may or may not be living in my apartment on campus, and the sad alpha fish Beni was taken from me by neglectful siblings, I’ve got nowhere to pour my extra love and devotion. I used to “stalk” guys in high school, watch them in between classes, if I shared a class with them then during class I’d watch, then at home I would think about them. The point is, I could focus on my classes or homework then switch to my crushes and have hours of time in my head. Now, there isn’t much up there besides my husband, my business, and my problems.

I tried picking up one person hobbies, learning a new language, repicking up knitting, reading new kinds of books, and now I am just rambling.

I forgot how great it was to just listen to music. Now, I try to only listen to postive encouraging tapes, cds, and broadcasts. Not that that stuff isn’t cool or anything, but this music is like a soothing balm to my mind.

It would be cool to have a secret second life. Like being a superhero at night, flying the skies of San Antonio and the surrounding area keeping the streets safe and the kids in line. I would totally have a cape and special boots that I could wear all night and not get sore feet from. My costume would be pants and a top with a utility belt and perhaps a rope or whip of some kind.

I could be the black cat. Wait, Halle Berry already did the whole black chic in a cat suit and ruined it for the rest of us. Alright so scratch the cat idea.

I couldn’t do an afro seventies thing because I do not need to further aid blaxploitation anymore than it already is. So the fish tank heels and dashiki are out.

I should sleep, I am sleepy but not tired. I have a headache. These typed words are the only ones around to hear me. How sad. 😦 I feel bad when Stephen feels bad about hanging out with his friends. I am glad he has people to spend his time with besides me. I don’t expect us to spend all of our time together. I should definitely find another hobby. A baby is not something used to fill a void or something to do cause everyone else is doing. So that’s out.

I thought about doing favors for money. Having guys take me around on their arm and pay me for my time. I am told that’s illegal, being an escort, but all that other stuff wouldn’t be on my list of services.

Now my headaches just talking.

I can remember a time when music would take me places. I would hear the first few cords or mouth the first few words and be spirited away to another world. Another life. I always envisioned a very simple life for myself. I’m talking cottage in the hills of sweden on a farm blind and deaf with a braille bible. Well, at times anyway. For the most part, I wanted to work at a job, have a home, a working car, a library card, and a guy. I wouldn’t mind a small house, as long as I paid it off quickly. I wouldn’t mind an older car as long as it was safe and reliable. I wouldn’t mind a monotonous job, as long as I had enough to pay bills and have like twenty or so left over. I did not want a lot of complication. Who does? Few people like operating in a crazy hectic schedule. Even though I operated best when my plate was full, I did so with the understanding that one day I would have nothing but my task at work to focus on.

I also used to use books to escape, to live out another life, someone else’s rises and falls. Not too many of those lying around these days.

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